Three Tips for Surviving Thanksgiving
Small strategies for talking about big, unexpected topics at the family function
From politics to religion to your crazy aunt or uncle, nearly all of us have a topic or person we want to avoid during the holiday season. As someone who’s led a few trainings on interpersonal communication—and helps educators engage students in discussions across cultural and ideological differences—I wanted to offer my family of unteachers some dialogue techniques I plan to use to make it through the Thanksgiving festivities unscathed. A few of the techniques are adapted from Mónica Guzmán’s I Never Thought of It That Way. The book is full of helpful tips, but I’ve chosen two and added a third that I thought would be most helpful in the types of discussions we’ll have on Thursday.
Tip #1: Manage Your Expectations
Let me paint a scenario: The Dallas Cowboys are playing the Kansas City Chiefs on the big TV in the house. You’re not much of a football fan, but your family member begins praising Harrison Butker, the elite yet controversial kicker for Kansas City, calling him a “great man.” They go on to talk about how the NFL “needs more players like him.”
Your first instinct is to ignore the comments and continue to enjoy the mac and cheese on your plate. Just as you’re about stand up to grab a beverage, your cousin turns to you and says, “yea…that whole thing last year was crazy. Did you hear about that?” You, in fact, did hear about this situation, and even if you didn’t, your cousin was going to explain it to you.
There are a few ways we can navigate these sorts of moments, ones where either we feel compelled to offer a different perspective to someone with whom we disagree, or other times where there’s seemingly no escape hatch. The first step is recognizing the stakes of the conversation. Maintaining relationships, preserving a positive self-image, and avoiding conflict are all potential subconscious priorities when navigating social interactions with family and loved ones. The one mistake that can jeopardize these three priorities is trying to convince someone that your perspective is right. Doing so might leave you and the other conversant (s) feeling frustrated and further entrenched in your original beliefs.
Instead of calling the person wrong or giving them an unearned label (racist, sexist, etc.), we can aim to loosen their attachments to what Guzmán calls identity expectations. These are the norms and values associated with the groups to which we belong that we feel obligated to uphold. (Example: “I feel like I have to vote Democrat every election because I’m Black.”) It helps to understand that the person’s remarks may be connected to an identity expectation. Knowing this can help them realize this fact, too, and encourage them to think critically about an issue separately from how their group expects them to think about the issue.
Guzmán calls these moments—times where our previous understanding of a subject is disrupted with new information—”I never thought of it that way!” (INTOIT) moments. Although it might be ideal for someone to say, “You know what…you’re right, and I’m wrong”, perhaps getting them to say, You know what…I never thought of it that way” is a more realistic goal. The next tips offer insights on how to loosen those attachments and cause more INTOIT moments.
Tip #2: Share concerns (and hopes)
Sharing your concerns when faced with a problematic question or viewpoint can be the perfect entry point into a meaningful discussion about a controversial topic. When you hear something that raises an eyebrow, you can say something like,
“That line of thinking is concerning to me, because....”
“I hear you. I guess my biggest concern is…”
It doesn’t have to all be negative, either; you can also offer what you’re hopeful about:
“That is a real challenge right now, but I’m hoping in the future…”
A strategy that works equally well is asking the other person about their concerns and hopes:
“One of my main concerns with mass deportation is the deplorable conditions of the retention centers. Is that something you’re concerned about, too?”
“What do you hope today’s college students graduate knowing how to do?”
Tip #3: Minding the Gap
Guzmán explains that minding the gap is asking yourself, “What am I missing [about this person’s experience or viewpoint]?”, and asking questions that fill those knowledge gaps. And once we get the answer to that gap-filling question, we should find another gap in our understanding to fill, and another gap after that question is answered, and so on.
This strategy is a bit tricky—it’s easier to pre-plan some go-to ways to frame your concerns, whereas getting good and minding the gaps primarily comes through repetitive practice. It’s also really easy not to pay attention to what the other person is saying while we try to manufacture the perfect response. Practicing deep listening instead of active listening, which requires taking a few additional seconds to generate a response that directly addresses what the person said.
When I meet someone with a viewpoint I strongly oppose, I often wonder, “Why would they think/say something like that?” Although it’s tempting to ask them directly, there are softer questions that will lead to less defensive answers. Think of answers to “why” questions as the ultimate goal, and answers to the other 4 ‘Ws’ and ‘how’ as the building blocks toward the why. You can ask questions like:
“That’s interesting. Where do you think that idea comes from?”
“When has that affected you directly?”
“How did that experience make you feel?”
There are certainly more tips I could share, but I’ll leave you with this short list to focus on this holiday season. [If you comment “More!”, I’ll publish an article with a more extensive list of communication strategies.]
To those who celebrate, have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday!
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